Transcript
“We have to take step back a little bit, and take a closer look at what is motivating our student.” ~ Deslynn Mecham
(Transcript available below)
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Heidi Higgins: Hi there. I'm Heidi Higgins and you are listening to K12 On Learning, sponsored by Stride. If motivation was easy, we would all be thin and fit, I imagine, have spotless homes, exercise daily, serve others willingly at all times, and have brilliant children who get straight As. Finding the strength to get up and do something is a learned skill that must be practiced over and over throughout our lives. It's hard to change and grow. We also find the need to lead and encourage others from time to time. Skills learned here help us be better parents and better leaders in the workplace, or any other setting. Encouraging motivation can be like pushing a bus uphill, but there are certain skills that we can put into place to build others, and like all good skills we master, they build us at the same time.
Today in part two of our Schooling Effectively at Home series, Deslynn Mecham shares some tips on how to motivate to activate. Our second part in our series of How to School Effectively at Home, and we're thrilled that you're here to join us today. Let's talk about motivating and motivating ourselves, motivating our children. How do we want to approach motivation?
Deslynn Mecham: I think in the beginning, especially when the, if this is your first entry into online learning, we have certain visions in our mind like, "Oh, this is going to be fun. I'm going to bring the kids home. And, and we get the boxes of school supplies." Or I'm sure as almost everyone experienced during the pandemic, we bring our kids home and it's maybe interesting and fun for the first couple of weeks and then the newness wears out. And usually our next step in that process, when we start to see the motivation waning and people are losing the steam. I'm losing steam. My students losing steam. I start thinking about a reward system.
Let's come up with a reward system, because that may have worked in our home for chores and different responsibilities in the house. So we start looking at reward systems and we Google and we research and we make charts and we have stickers and we have little prizes. We might have a whole set and reward systems for some people, some students are really motivated by a reward and for some, a good reward system can soon become, my husband has always called it, a hostage situation. Where you may have a student that won't do anything until they are given the sticker or the bean in the jar or whatever it is or they just come to a complete stop. So that's where we have to take step back a little bit and take a closer look at what is motivating our student.
And we'll talk specifically here about online schooling in their schoolwork. But if you'll imagine just a straight line and on the left end, we have achievement. We have a big ribbon, a big you're a star, here's a prize achievement on the left side. And over on the right hand side, I always think of like a remote control to the TV. Control. I want to be able to control my environment so long continuum here of achievement on one end and control on one end. And we want to try to find a balance here in the middle, where it comes to motivation. And we have to look at our students, at our children and kind of find out what makes them tick.
And we'll talk specifically here about online schooling in their schoolwork. But if you'll imagine just a straight line and on the left end, we have achievement. We have a big ribbon, a big you're a star, here's a prize achievement on the left side. And over on the right hand side, I always think of like a remote control to the TV. Control. I want to be able to control my environment so long continuum here of achievement on one end and control on one end. And we want to try to find a balance here in the middle, where it comes to motivation. And we have to look at our students, at our children and kind of find out what makes them tick.
And then second, we need to understand whether their motivation comes from that achievement and acceptance, or is it more about control? And what happens for a lot of us, when we talk about motivation, when that question comes up, we're usually thinking of our student that we've given a lot of labels to. We may have a student that we look at and we're like, "They're lazy. They just won't do it. They won't get out of bed." We start putting labels as lazy, troublemaker. They don't have any drive. In reality, those can be dangerous labels, even if we haven't... Well, they're really dangerous if we've said them out loud to our student, but even if in our mind, we're keeping that label on them. We want to look at that and say, "Okay, what is it that this student is motivated by? Where are they lacking some control in their life?" Because that's, in a broad sense, that's what it comes down to. They're motivated. Let me tell you, it takes a lot to lay on a couch all day. You think it looks easy, but it takes... They're motivated.
Heidi Higgins: I love it.
Deslynn Mecham: They're motivated by that video game. They have control over what's happening on the screen, right? So that's usually what we look at when we're talking about motivation is achievement on one end control on the other. How can we come into the middle and find the balance? And motivation is a broad topic and there is not a quick fix. I think we all would like to just have couple of things that we can do and all of a sudden our kids are motivated and doing their schoolwork every day, just as we expected them to do. The reward system isn't working and so we have to start looking about how much control they're feeling in their life.
Heidi Higgins: So what are some common struggles that we see in students who appear to be unmotivated?
Deslynn Mecham: We'll see that they're not focusing on their work. We can see the grades. Maybe those grades are starting to fail. Maybe their grades are really good, but as a parent, I'm thinking, I know they could do better. So we may see their focus and we think, "Oh, they're just not motivated enough. I know they could do so much better." We may see work not being completed. We may see just even their personal responsibility, not just to their schoolwork, but in the home. I mean, they're not taking care of things as they should in the home. We might see some procrastination. We'll see that in a lot of students. And then even some distraction, not wanting to focus on what's being asked of them to do. And so all of these things can cause this kind of behavior that looks like, "Well, they're just not motivated by anything."
And that my philosophy is, "Oh, they are, they are motivated." And we need to find out what it is. And it's usually we need to start with sharing a healthy dose of control with them. And as you said, that's why we look at those job descriptions. And so that I make sure that I'm not doing all of the schoolwork and I'm not controlling everything that's going on in their life. I want to step back and look at what can I do to start to share control with my student. And there's a simple skill, but it is a skill. Sounds really easy. And for me, when I first started studying this and experimenting with it with my own daughter, especially in schooling at home, it did not come easy for me because I wanted to just tell her, "Oh, open your book, get your notebook paper, get your pencil, get your pen. Oh, get the computer turned on." I said them all very nicely. I made sure. It's nine o'clock. It's time for our class connect. Oh, looks like you've got a history paper due, very light and easy.
And I'm thinking I'm fabulous, but I am taking a bit of that control. Right? I'm making the decisions like, "Oh, turn on your computer. Oh, let's get to class. Oh, let's get your notebook." So how can we start to share a healthy dose of control because I'm going to share control with my children but I also have to keep some because I am still the parent. So the skill of giving choices and sharing control is how we can start to experiment a little bit with finding out what may motivate them to get their schoolwork done. Let's talk specifically about a school day.
One of the tips when I start to give choices is I want to be sure that I'm doing it when everything's going well. 99% of the times when I use this skill of giving choices, I want things to be going well. If my daughter is breaking down in the corner and I go over to her and start to use my little skill and give some choices, it's just going to backfire on me. So let's practice these on a good day, maybe early in the morning, but I'm going to start out with some choices for a school day. Do you want to start with math or language arts today? Do you want to do odds or evens? Do you want to use a pencil or a pen? Hey, would you like a 10 minute break or a 15 minute break? Will you clean up right now or are you going to do that before lunch?
Just lots of little choices and where this is a skill it did not come easy to me, I had to write them down. I had to write down choices that I could give easily and it was kind of clunky and a little awkward when I first started doing this because I was used to pretty much just barking out orders. I was nice the way I did it. Right? That's okay. I'm a nice mom, but I'm still like a little drill Sergeant just barking out orders to my daughter but when I pulled back and started to say, "Hey, which would you like to do? Math or language arts." And then also depending on the ages of our children, as they get older, of course I want a teenager to be more independent. I don't want to micromanage them. I don't want to be over their shoulder all day long.
So I'm going to make sure I've got my job description. I'm going to know what I need to be doing, but I'm certainly going to still be checking to see that the work is getting done. And for a teenager, I may say things like, "Oh, well hey, are you going to, you going to do your class connect today with your headphones on or your headphones off?" Something that simple. Even though that seems silly, it is amazing what a simple request like that does to the brain and switches it. I did this with my teenage son for years, once he got his license. I would say to him, every time he left the house and we said he could drive, he could drive our car, not a problem, but I would say to him, "Are you going to take the Jeep or the Buick?" He's like, "Oh, I'm driving the Jeep." Oh, fantastic.
Well, he drives the Jeep every day, but it was interesting to watch his shoulders raise and just like, oh, I'm in control of my life. I'm making a decision. I'm taking the Jeep. It was a decision that I was happy with. Just so as even something as simple as saying, even though they wear their headphones every day when they're online, something as easy as, so are you listening to your class, connect with your headphones on or your headphones off? And they may even look at you weird, like I'm wearing my headphones. Oh, awesome. And I just walk away. I'm just wanting to kind of build up this bank account of control for them because it feels good.
Think about yourself as an adult and in your life and in your job. It feels really good when we have that autonomy and I want to walk around saying, "Hey, I know when to show up to work. And I know when to get my projects in. And I plan on being to my meeting at nine o'clock." When I'm able to make those decisions, we want to give our children that same luxury. It's really not about how big the choices are. It's about whether I'm getting bossed around a lot. And I heard that from Jim Faye of Love and Logic years ago, and it's just resonated with me forever that it's not about big choices, but it can be about, do you want to... Are you going to wear your headphones on or off? Are you going to sit on the couch? Are you going to be at the table? I'm not bossing him around all day, which is exactly what I was doing. Oh, we sit at the table and oh, we, this is how we do this and this is how we do this. And I made all the decisions.
And so sometimes with motivation, this can start to feel really good. When I feel like I have control. So if I know I'm slow, rolling out of bed as a student, but I know I have some choices ahead of me, I can feel a sense of control as we move forward and that's the first area. And for some of our tough, tough students that are really struggling to find this, they're not motivated by the stars and the rewards, it's a slow fix. It's not quick and easy, but just coming up with ideas of when can you have that assignment done by two or three o'clock then I'm just going to walk away. I don't have to sit and hold eye contact with a student that's really struggling and make them look at me and I start to kind of, I'm creating a power struggle. So I can just offer these brilliant little choices. They're really easy. Then I just walk away and then of course I'm going to hold them accountable for what work doesn't get done. The grades will hold them accountable, but I start to share control. That's just one little way of doing it is just through choices.
Heidi Higgins: So sharing control is a good idea. And you've mentioned inside and outside of the school setting. Everything from choices of what to have for breakfast, maybe.
Deslynn Mecham: Exactly.
Heidi Higgins: What time do you want to get up? But the choices that you give them you'll accept either one.
Deslynn Mecham: Yes.
Heidi Higgins: So we got to be careful to give them choices that...
Deslynn Mecham: Right.
Heidi Higgins: Both okay.
Deslynn Mecham: And that we don't threaten them, especially when our students are struggling and we start to lose our cool. It maybe, well, get that assignment done or you're never going to see your friends again. And that's a choice, right? I'm giving two choices, but it comes across as threatening. So we definitely want to stay out of that camp. But yes, the skill of giving choices is I've got to come up with a couple of choices that I'm perfectly happy with.
Heidi Higgins: And that gives them the control to self-motivate and go forward. I like that. Are there some things that we might actually be demotivating the child when we say that? I guess there's many ways when we don't share control.
Deslynn Mecham: Right. Absolutely. When using rewards, even for a child that is motivated by the rewards, even using those rewards may send mixed messages about a learning activity. Is that all of a sudden, it's not about learning. It's about, "Oh, hurry and do this and then you get a swimming ticket." So we want to be careful. That can be demotivating to a child. If I'm controlling all of the rewards, the student begins to wonder if they have any control, if I'm coming up with all the ideas. So if you do have a reward system, I would give as much control and ideas to my students as possible so that I'm not controlling everything. But there is the balance here because I am still the parent. They don't just get whatever they want whenever they want and I don't want to do school today. Oh, that's not an option.
So I'm going to still hold my students accountable for the things that aren't getting done. Another way that might be demotivating also is when those threats, when we're in threat mode or punishing mode. So the same thing as, "Oh, you didn't get your work done, well, I want that paper done by five o'clock or your phone is gone." Am I happy with both of those choices? No, because do I really plan on taking their phone away? Maybe I do. So I'm going to change my tone, but that's a pretty hard one to pull off if I don't mean business. And that's when we're sharing control. I want to mean business without being mean and we really can, but it takes practice and it's a skill and it depends on your personality as a learning coach too and perhaps your spouse as well. My personality is very much chop, chop, chop, and drill sergeant, and let's get this done and right now and we don't have time to waste and that worked for one of my children. It did not work or the one that I happened to be schooling at home.
It's a slow fix and something that we have to really focus on closely and building that relationship with our student and schooling at home, there's no better place to do that. You're going to have the hardest of hard days and you're going to have the highest of highs when we're with them. And hopefully we can learn a few skills along the way that will also help us in our online schooling, but also really enhance that relationship that we have with our student. And one that we can look back on this time when we're schooling at home, with its heartaches and headache, but also how we're building that relationship with our kids and watching them grow.
It's so interesting, I think, as you start to share control a little bit more, some may have too much, some students may have too much control. So we're going to have to pull it back and that's where I'm going to have to really work on this skill so I start sharing it more so that I am able to hold them accountable. And then some of us as learning coaches, we already hold a bunch of the control. We just want to share healthy doses of it.
Heidi Higgins: One of my older children recently was telling another friend about the fact that she was schooled at home online when she was younger. And she said, "You know, the thing I loved about the most is I really led my education." And I all but laughed out loud because I thought, "No, you didn't." But I realized exactly what you're saying. She felt she had control and that is a beautiful way to describe.
Deslynn Mecham: Powerful.
Heidi Higgins: It was powerful. And I'm grateful as I look back to think that maybe some of these skills that you taught me back then, and that I'd learned to practice paid off when we started sharing control.
Deslynn Mecham: Absolutely. These are skills for life, okay? We're going to use them in our workplace. We're going to use them with their children. We're going to use them with our neighbors. These are skills for life that are healthy. That can be positive. You know, there's another one too, as we look at sharing control, if it's not choices, we can also just share control by simple statements. And again, it's a skill. You have to think through them, but you know, feel free to be on your phone when chapter 12 is done. Something that simple I'm sharing control with them that I want you on your phone or I want you with your friends or I want you playing that video game. Feel free to do it as soon as chapter 12 is done.
But I have to think for me, these don't come naturally. I have a sense that they probably do for you a little bit more. I've seen other learning coaches and parents and family members pull this off without even having to try. For me, I've had to really work hard at it. Some other statements I might share is I'll be glad to listen when your voice is as calm as mine. So I'm not getting into, "Stop whining. Would you stop? I can't help you when you're doing this." You can hear my tone. If you saw my body language, I'm doing a lot of pointing and a lot, but if I can just say, "Oh, I am so happy to listen when your voice is as calm as mine." And then I walk away. You'll hear me say that a lot. I'm really into walking away from my children because I get in trouble the longer I stick around and hold eye contact with them.
Heidi Higgins: I think that's a common thing.
Deslynn Mecham: Exactly. Walking away. I used to say, and I still say, it's I wanted my kids seeing my back all day long. I'm going to just whisper my little words of wisdom and then I'm going to walk away. And hope that they comply. They won't always comply. They don't, they don't always comply. But I up my odds for success when I offer a statement, feel free to take the car when your rough draft is finished, and I walk away. I'm setting an expectation that the rough draft needs to be done. Now, the control is in their pocket.
Now a really bright child is going to argue with you. They're going to make you work for that. But that's my job. That's my job is to figure out these skills that might go on your job description, work on skills. It's my job to share control. Different things like that I'm constantly having to get better at. Because I do have a job here as a learning coach and I want to do a good job at it, but I don't have all the skills. I'm new at this. So I'm going to practice. And these are just a couple that we can use with our kids to share control and hopefully motivating them to get their work done.
But I'm still also giving the choices so that I can still parent because if we're really behind in math and she can't just do history all day, which is what my daughter wanted to do because it was so fun. Math was not fun for her. So I would have to start with that choice. Math or language arts? History wasn't an option at the time. That's how we keep control as a parent. Anywhere I can share control, I'm going to do it. I bet you will be able to come up with so many ideas of areas in your life again, small, small things so that they don't feel like they're getting just bossed around all day. It's pretty powerful.
Heidi Higgins: Very powerful. Thank you. Deslin Mikum for sharing these tips today. We have a part three coming up where we're going to talk about how to deal with the arguing and complaining that can ensue. So hang on for that. We'll be back next week for that. Deslin thank you. It's a good reminder that the relationship is what you're building here and schooling your children at home is a joy and a challenge. And so developing a relationship helps and I've seen it in my own home. I've seen it with many families who have been successful, that those relationships go on for years. They always grow and change and develop even through the hard parts. So...
Deslynn Mecham: Yeah.
Heidi Higgins: Thank you again, Deslynn.
Join us next week for Arguing, Whining and Complaining Oh My, part three of our series on Schooling Effectively at Home. Feel free to leave us some feedback on our message line and who knows we may even use some of your experiences on the air. You will find out how to leave a message in the podcast notes on the website.
Thank you for listening to K12 On Learning, sponsored by Stride. To learn more about online public schools, powered by Stride K12, our Stride Career Prep programs that foster lifelong learning or any of our private school or individual course offerings, please go to stridelearning.com or k12.com. Remember to subscribe to this podcast and feel free to leave us a good review. We hope you'll join us next time for K12 On Learning.
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